Romancing the…. monitor?

In this day and age, a single gal has tons of challenges facing her. Dating rules and etiquette have changed, the proper steps to take to ensure personal safety have changed, even the ways men can contact you and keep in contact with you are changing. But something I hadn’t considered up until right about now is how the world of social and new media could affect the dating life of the single girl.

Now you may think I just lost my last marble, but let’s look at this more closely. I will use myself as an example. Because, well, it’s easy. Plus I consider myself to be a fairly connected woman, so the implications are pretty strong in some areas for me. For example, I twitter, I use Jaiku, I post pictures on Flickr, I am on a podcast, and I have this blog. That is just the tip of the iceberg. I’m also on Facebook, Seesmic, Utterz, Plaxo, and quite active in Second Life. Not to mention the fact that I’m sure I’m not even listing everything here right now. But you get the point. I’m not a hard girl to find.

In several of these mediums, I’m accustomed to sharing some personal information. The fact is, I don’t ramble about every tiny piece of minutia in my life, but I do strive to build a personal connection with the people in my various networks. Up until recently, it’s not been a problem. This is my life and the pieces I share of it are mine to share. Living alone and being single, there’s very little impact on anyone but me. But now it seems there is the possibility that eventually there may be someone else in my life. Not a husband, not a roommate, but just someone else who is sharing pieces of my life with me.And I am looking at this web of connectedness I’ve built and wondering if he will feel trapped in it.

For example, I had a nice date last night. I drove home, reflected on it a bit, and casually updated Twitter to say I thought I’d had a good date. No harm in that, I’m sure. But would he feel the same? Or would he feel intimidated by the fact that 530 people received that message? Some people may not have seen it. Others got an immediate SMS on their cell phones with my words. Is that level of sharing acceptable? When will it become unacceptable? At what point does he need to know about this side of me?

Which brings up another interesting point. About a month ago I had a date in my house briefly. The house is on the market, which he could clearly tell, so he asked for the tour. As I walked him into the office, we both turned and saw my recording set up. Complete with my good microphone and desktop boom stand, I guess it might look a little intimidating. I’m used to the rig so I think nothing of it. But his eyes widened and he looked at me and asked “What’s that?” I was rather nonplussed and waved it off. “Oh, that’s just my recording equipment.” His confusion very obviously deepened. And I realized that even though I knew this man was internet savvy, it was apparently only to a point. And that an in depth explanation of exactly what was on my desk and why may very well cost me any future dates. Now, as you may have guessed, I am not the type of woman who will change all of this merely to get to another date with any man. But it was still a quandary. And it highlights the fact that as much as this new media lifestyle is normal for so many of us, we are still a minority. (That particular man is no one I will ever be serious about. We still talk from time to time, but have not managed to go out again since that night.)

But it all begs the question, how does a woman live this new media life and manage to date and mingle with those outside the fishbowl without intimidating them or losing them completely? Where do the boundaries get drawn? How much should a gal share with a date and how much should she leave out? How much should she share with her network and how much should she leave out? How can she struggle with these questions when she’s afraid to ask the opinion of the few people who may be directly affected by her decisions? (And on a personal note, why are so many otherwise intelligent men out there frightened by a chick with a microphone and some connections?)

Normally when I pose questions like these, I have answers already in mind. Today I don’t. But I certainly would love to see some discussion. And I’d love to hear from people who are already navigating this personal new media mine field. I believe as time goes on and we evolve as communities, these questions will be posed more and more. I’m not the only one out there suddenly finding themselves here. How are the rest of you handling it?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Our big meal just before we sat down to eat. Now we’re full and it’s
all put away. Yum!
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A little melancholy

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Podcat for sure!

I promise I’m not going to be acrazy cat lady. But check this out…
My cat sleeps with headphones. Kula is a wannabe podcaster!
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How cute!

Sent from my iPhone
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House Update

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Peek-a-Boo!

It wasn’t so very long ago that I was talking to people like Chris Brogan and Aliza Sherman about transparency on the net, and their reasoning behind providing lots of very identifiable information to a wide and unknown public. My background is one of psuedonyms and hiding out for a false sense of security. I will not bother to tell you what my early internet names might be, but I will also not delude myself into believing that you couldn’t find out very easily if you want to. As you can see, I have made a slow progression from totally hiding to today, where I just put my real name out there and let the chips fall where they may.

These conversations are surfacing in my mind again today as I read this article from Jon Swift regarding how his Facebook account got deleted. Jon is calling Facebook’s actions a declaration of war on the blogosphere. To that I say, speak for yourself Jon. The blogosphere as a whole does not agree with you. In fact, this blogger thinks you’ve gone just a wee bit over the top.

Now I don’t know Jon, and I don’t usually read his blog. These are not fighting words, I promise. I’m just saying I think he has this one all wrong. And I’m not afraid to put my real name behind my reasons why.

Peek-a-Boo, I still see you

First is the fact that pseudonyms are a false security measure. No matter how much you’d like to believe that your private self is truly private if only you do this right, it simply isn’t. In this age of information sharing, I promise you there is not a way to draw a line between who you pretend to be and who you really are. The rule of thumb for the internet is that it’s a public space. Don’t do anything here that you would not want a random google search to find and link with you. If you’re afraid that your blog will ruin your chances of future employment, then chances are you shouldn’t be saying whatever you’re saying there. You cannot cower behind a monitor and pretend to be someone you’re not with no repercussions. Behave responsibly, and this shouldn’t be an issue.

Power Outage?

An even bigger reason not to hide is that there is so little to be gained that way. Even if no one ever invests the effort in finding your true identity and you remain safely masked, what do you gain that way? Making yourself heard is very powerful. But what good is it really if it then can’t be used to connect you to communities and people and opportunities. What kind of power do you really have if all you ever do is hide in an office or a living room somewhere and fire off nameless missives into the void? Isn’t the real power in connecting and opening doors for yourself and others? Doesn’t that require more of a presence than a fake name? What is the goal and the power of hiding behind your own words?

Am I afraid sometimes of what it means to be so open about my identity? Yes, yes I am. And anyone who has ever discussed this with me can tell you that is true. As a woman, I am taught that what I am doing here is wrong and dangerous. And yet, all it has ever brought me is good. New friends, new ideas, new opportunities, new ways to express myself. All of these were opened up not just because I say things on the internet, but because I put my face, my name, and myself behind every word of it. People can connect with me because I am the real deal. I am all in. I am exactly as advertised. And that level of reality affords me many more opportunities than my pseudonym ever did.

If you can’t play by the rules…

But off my soapbox and back to our friend Jon. Facebook deleted his account because Jon Swift is not his real name. How did they find out? Who knows. They didn’t ask him to verify, they never said a word. His account disappeared without fanfare. And while I may not agree with the tactics, the reasoning is rather indisputable. When you sign up with Facebook, you agree to a TOS which clearly states you are required to use your real name. If you are found to not be following that rule, your account may be deleted. He chose to violate the TOS and they chose to stand behind it. It’s not a declaration of war Jon. You just got caught not playing by the rules.

Update: Jon Swift’s Facebook account has been restored. While I understand Jon is not nefariously using the service or attempting to misrepresent another person, I still feel that this was a weak decision on Facebook’s part brought about by what amounts to peer pressure. If anything, this is the only part of the entire fiasco that makes me think less of Facebook in any way,